Intelligence Briefing: The Great Poodle Conspiracy

A frightening movement is afoot that threatens our cherished relationship with the canine world and, possibly, the entire animal kingdom. This is not a false alarm. The evidence is right in front of our noses, so to speak.

You’ve seen “Planet of the Apes,” right? Either the original one with Charlton Heston from 1968 or the remake in 2001? That’s when Apes have taken over the world as a result of being domesticated by humans. A gradual process, unnoticed by everyone. Scary concept. Well, I’m not saying this current situation is as cataclysmic as the Apes but you just can’t be too careful.

Here’s what triggered my suspicion. I was walking with my golden retriever one afternoon in St. Louis’ Forest Park when I met a young couple with an interesting looking dog, a small fellow with a curly tan coat and hair hanging over his eyes. I asked them what kind of dog they had.

“It’s a Schnoodle,” the woman said proudly. 

She saw the blank look on my face, so she went on to explain that a Schnoodle is a cross between a schnauzer and a poodle. “A Schnoodle!” I exclaimed, attempting some enthusiasm. “Cute,” I added and continued my walk. You’ll never guess what I came across next. It was a strange-looking little dog, almost solid black with perky ears. It was on the end of a leash held by a short, elderly woman. Our dogs stopped to examine each other, so I asked her what kind of dog she had.

A Bossi-Poo

“A Bossi-Poo.” I asked her to repeat it, not sure I heard right. 

“What’s a Bossi-Poo?” I said, afraid of the answer.

“A cross between a Boston Terrier and a poodle.” She bent over and scratched its head. “He is so sweet. Aren’t you?” The question aimed at the dog, not me.

That’s when it hit me. Poodles are infiltrating the world of dogs. I have known about other mixes for some time: Labradoodles and Goldendoodles, specifically. But a Schnoodle? And a Bossi-Poo? What was going on? What else was out there, begging for our acceptance. I began to dig into the subject over the next few days. My findings were chilling. 

First, let me say that almost all of these crossbreeds are cute, at least to some degree. And they’ve been recognized by canine organizations such as the American Canine Hybrid Club and the Designer Dogs Kennel Club. Really. Hybrids and Designer Dogs have officially been sanctioned. The American Kennel Club doesn’t recognize any of these strangers, but maybe they’re just behind the times. Here’s the other stunner I discovered. There are 220 hybrid designer breeds. Of those, over 100 are poodle mixes. I hope you’re paying attention here. Something’s happening, right?

It all began back in the 1950’s when a cocker spaniel and a poodle got together and produced a Cockapoo. I know; sounds disgusting. In the UK they’re called Spoodles. A little better, guv’. The movement picked up steam in the 1980’s when a labrador retriever and a poodle got amorous and produced the Labradoodle. People loved this breed. Touted as hypoallergenic, and they didn’t shed. That opened the floodgates for the invasion of the poodles. It must have been a wonderful time to be a male poodle.

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a short list of these designer dogs. See if you can figure out the non-poodle breed.  Bichon Poodle, Maltipoo, Westiepoo, Cavapoo, Newfypoo, Whoodle, Bernedoodle, Bordoodle, Yorkipoo, Shihpoo, and let’s not forget the Bassetdoodle. This last one likes to overeat and is touted as being a fat and friendly little dog. Every home certainly needs a Bassetdoodle, just for laughs. My personal favorite is the Saint Berdoodle. Obviously a Saint Bernard and a poodle. I just hope, for humane reasons, that the poodle was a standard, not a miniature. 

Two more thoughts about this cautionary tale. First, Designer Dogs. To me, that’s messing with Mother Nature and smacks of genetic manipulation. I’ve seen enough science-fiction movies to know where that leads. Poodle hybrids have been created with the same care as handmade shoes. The breeders will fit your need, whatever you need. Personality, temperament, coat, intelligence, color, size. Just fill in the order form and Amazon will have your new dog to you by Tuesday. Secondly, the pure-bred poodle - care to guess when and where they originated? Try some time during the 1600’s. In Germany. Now we saw what transpired in 1914 and 1939. I’m just saying, you can’t be too careful.

One final thought. I looked at photos of these breeds, peered into their eyes. What I saw saddened me. I saw a loving creature appealing for help. A noble animal who had been processed through a breeding lab and turned into “something else.” Those eyes seemed to say, “Help, there are two of us in here. How’d we end up as two breeds in this one body?” This is a scary situation, a furry Frankenstein created by Man. I’m sure it’s my imagination working overtime. When I meet these hybrids on the trail, they all seem spunky, friendly, eager to please, connected to their owners. But maybe this is all just part of the grand plan. That’s what the Apes did. Made themselves indispensable to Man. And then - Wham! Took over the planet.

I might be wrong but I believe the invasion has just begun. 

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       (Originally published in the Early Spring 2019 issue of County Living Magazine)